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(Image credit: FromSoftware)
The long-awaitedElden Ring DLCreveal delivered three minutes of tantalizing teasers for the bosses and environments that we’ll encounter in Shadow of the Erdtree. Well, it actually delivered a 30-minute countdown that led toanother30-minute countdown, andthenthree minutes of good stuff, but that’s justFromSoftwareperpetually baiting its audience even on a good day. About a solid minute of the trailer was also dedicated to the new weapons and spells we’ll acquire in the Land of Shadow come June 21, and to my delight a lot of them look dumb as hell.
Dual swords, but backwards
(Image credit: FromSoftware)
I remember watching the Witcher TV show, seeing Henry Cavill frequently wield his longsword backwards, and thinking, “that looks cool, but seems dumb.” TheYouTubealgorithm, presumably spying on me via the birds outside my house, later fed me a video from a Sword Expert who assessed Cavill’s stance, ultimately saying in so many words, “that looks cool, but is dumb.” That’s the vibe I’m getting here. Two curved swords, again, but backwards. Cool, but dumb. Perfect.
Throwing knives
(Image credit: FromSoftware)
It’s that time of year, Tarnished. Time to try out a ranged weapon, inevitably miss because your target had the audacity to move lazily to the left, and then immediately throw in the towel, respec back to a Strength build, and pull out the big sword that basically can’t miss. On the upside, it looks like these things are heavy enough to stagger enemies if they do connect.
Psionic Backlash from Baldur’s Gate 3
(Image credit: FromSoftware)
I don’t know what to call this spell – just as I don’t know what to call many of the things on this list, which you will soon see – so screw it, it’s Psionic Backlash from Baldur’s Gate 3. You think really hard and then a bunch of people’s heads explode in a pink mist, now with butterflies. Honestly? Really pretty; going right onto my sorceress build.
Chun Li from Street Fighter
(Image credit: FromSoftware)
Miyazaki must not have been kidding when he saidthere are Malenia-grade bosses in this DLC, because the Tarnished have finally been forced to break out the two strongest weapons known to man: the foot, and the other foot.
Really Big Pot
(Image credit: FromSoftware)
There’s a huge variety of craftable pots in Elden Ring, including many surprisingly useful variations like fire pots and sleep pots, so it’s a shame that roughly 100% of players forgot they exist and never used them after the first 11 minutes of the game. But you know what, just for Really Big Pot, I’m gonna break out those crafting recipes one more time before inevitably forgetting about them again. I look forward to the updated “pots only” challenge runs and the Oppenheimer edits.
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A crossbow machine gun
(Image credit: FromSoftware)
In the same way that a really big pot would only come about to answer the question of what to use when a regular pot won’t cut it, a full-auto crossbow can only be a response to a problem that a normal crossbow couldn’t solve. I don’t think the random knight on the receiving end of this machine gun in the trailer is what prompted its formulation, and I need to know what did. Probably a Runebear, actually.
This horned bear roar
(Image credit: FromSoftware)
Speaking of which, Tarnished can now apparently wield the strength of the strongest beings in the Lands Between: the godforsaken bears. That’s it, then. Messmer may as well surrender now.
This guy’s purple lance, which I want
(Image credit: FromSoftware)
As a devout lance main in Monster Hunter, I’ve always been a little disappointed in the great spears available in Elden Ring. There’s a normal ol' lance, sure, but sometimes I do want something spicier than vanilla ice cream with a side of air. This lance looks like something with a little moreoomph, and I really hope we can steal it.
Sonic the Hedgehog
(Image credit: FromSoftware)
It’s no secret that the thorn spells in Elden Ring suck out loud, so here’s hoping this thorny spell actually does something beyond damaging yourself. If this one sucks too, I’m cutting FromSoftware off; you’re never gonna make this archetype work. Give it up and go make another blue laser.
This guy’s boomerang, which I also want
(Image credit: FromSoftware)
I already feel bad about killing this boss, which has an oddly cute little face nestled in its exposed ribcage, and stealing its boomerang, assuming it is a drop or at least a craftable boss weapon. But it’s so cool. I need it. The oddly cute little guy must die.
The sword embedded in this guy like Excalibur, which I simply must have
(Image credit: FromSoftware)
Will this actually be a weapon, or is this depiction of how migraines feel just going to be turned into cutscene fodder? I’m hoping for the former. It wouldn’t be the first time Elden Ring turned somebody’s spine into a sword, I can tell you that.
This spiked shield and twinblade combo
(Image credit: FromSoftware)
Finally, the best Crucible Knight spell
(Image credit: FromSoftware)
May February 21 become a global, federal holiday: the day we finally got confirmation that the best Crucible Knight spell, the one where they pull out wings and rear back for a diving attack, will soon be in our hands. Look, the dragon tail whip is cool and all, but it ain’t no wings.
Messmer’s spear
(Image credit: FromSoftware)
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GAME REVIEWSMOVIE REVIEWSTV REVIEWS1Nemesis review: “A magical sense of tension"2Arcs review: “A whole lot of game in a small package"3Path of Exile 2 review: “A stellar start to a thrilling and brutal dark adventure"4Indiana Jones and the Great Circle review: “The best adventure Indy has embarked on in over 30 years"5Marvel Rivals review: “So preoccupied with trying to be like Overwatch that it forgets to play to its own strengths"1Sonic the Hedgehog 3 review: “Keanu Reeves as Shadow is wasted whilst Jim Carrey steals the show"2Mufasa: The Lion King review – “It’s no Hakuna Matata but this Disney origin story is a class above the 2019 movie"3Kraven the Hunter review: “The insistence on an R-rating helps save this, with a decent helping of bloodthirsty action"4The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim review – “An uninspired expansion of the most iconic screen take on Tolkien"5Nightbitch review: “Amy Adams' disappointing dark comedy is all bark and no bite"1Doctor Who 2024 Christmas special review: “Ncuti Gatwa is as magnetic as ever in this delightful festive treat"2Secret Level review: “An uneven experience with serious highlights that ultimately make up for the misses"3Skeleton Crew review: “Perfectly captures the vibes of classic Star Wars with a swashbuckling twist"4Creature Commandos review: “James Gunn’s heartwarming, R-rated tale about super-monsters proves that the DCU is in good hands"5Cobra Kai season 6, part 2 review: “Returns to the sort of hard-hitting form that made it such a fan favorite in the first place”
GAME REVIEWSMOVIE REVIEWSTV REVIEWS1Nemesis review: “A magical sense of tension"2Arcs review: “A whole lot of game in a small package"3Path of Exile 2 review: “A stellar start to a thrilling and brutal dark adventure"4Indiana Jones and the Great Circle review: “The best adventure Indy has embarked on in over 30 years"5Marvel Rivals review: “So preoccupied with trying to be like Overwatch that it forgets to play to its own strengths"1Sonic the Hedgehog 3 review: “Keanu Reeves as Shadow is wasted whilst Jim Carrey steals the show"2Mufasa: The Lion King review – “It’s no Hakuna Matata but this Disney origin story is a class above the 2019 movie"3Kraven the Hunter review: “The insistence on an R-rating helps save this, with a decent helping of bloodthirsty action"4The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim review – “An uninspired expansion of the most iconic screen take on Tolkien"5Nightbitch review: “Amy Adams' disappointing dark comedy is all bark and no bite"1Doctor Who 2024 Christmas special review: “Ncuti Gatwa is as magnetic as ever in this delightful festive treat"2Secret Level review: “An uneven experience with serious highlights that ultimately make up for the misses"3Skeleton Crew review: “Perfectly captures the vibes of classic Star Wars with a swashbuckling twist"4Creature Commandos review: “James Gunn’s heartwarming, R-rated tale about super-monsters proves that the DCU is in good hands"5Cobra Kai season 6, part 2 review: “Returns to the sort of hard-hitting form that made it such a fan favorite in the first place”
GAME REVIEWSMOVIE REVIEWSTV REVIEWS
1Nemesis review: “A magical sense of tension”
1Nemesis review: “A magical sense of tension”
1
Nemesis review: “A magical sense of tension”
2Arcs review: “A whole lot of game in a small package”
2Arcs review: “A whole lot of game in a small package”
2
Arcs review: “A whole lot of game in a small package”
3Path of Exile 2 review: “A stellar start to a thrilling and brutal dark adventure”
3Path of Exile 2 review: “A stellar start to a thrilling and brutal dark adventure”
3
Path of Exile 2 review: “A stellar start to a thrilling and brutal dark adventure”
4Indiana Jones and the Great Circle review: “The best adventure Indy has embarked on in over 30 years”
4Indiana Jones and the Great Circle review: “The best adventure Indy has embarked on in over 30 years”
4
Indiana Jones and the Great Circle review: “The best adventure Indy has embarked on in over 30 years”
5Marvel Rivals review: “So preoccupied with trying to be like Overwatch that it forgets to play to its own strengths”
5Marvel Rivals review: “So preoccupied with trying to be like Overwatch that it forgets to play to its own strengths”
5
Marvel Rivals review: “So preoccupied with trying to be like Overwatch that it forgets to play to its own strengths”
1Sonic the Hedgehog 3 review: “Keanu Reeves as Shadow is wasted whilst Jim Carrey steals the show”
1Sonic the Hedgehog 3 review: “Keanu Reeves as Shadow is wasted whilst Jim Carrey steals the show”
1
Sonic the Hedgehog 3 review: “Keanu Reeves as Shadow is wasted whilst Jim Carrey steals the show”
2Mufasa: The Lion King review – “It’s no Hakuna Matata but this Disney origin story is a class above the 2019 movie”
2Mufasa: The Lion King review – “It’s no Hakuna Matata but this Disney origin story is a class above the 2019 movie”
2
Mufasa: The Lion King review – “It’s no Hakuna Matata but this Disney origin story is a class above the 2019 movie”
3Kraven the Hunter review: “The insistence on an R-rating helps save this, with a decent helping of bloodthirsty action”
3Kraven the Hunter review: “The insistence on an R-rating helps save this, with a decent helping of bloodthirsty action”
3
Kraven the Hunter review: “The insistence on an R-rating helps save this, with a decent helping of bloodthirsty action”
4The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim review – “An uninspired expansion of the most iconic screen take on Tolkien”
4The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim review – “An uninspired expansion of the most iconic screen take on Tolkien”
4
The Lord of the Rings: The War of the Rohirrim review – “An uninspired expansion of the most iconic screen take on Tolkien”
5Nightbitch review: “Amy Adams' disappointing dark comedy is all bark and no bite”
5Nightbitch review: “Amy Adams' disappointing dark comedy is all bark and no bite”
5
Nightbitch review: “Amy Adams' disappointing dark comedy is all bark and no bite”
1Doctor Who 2024 Christmas special review: “Ncuti Gatwa is as magnetic as ever in this delightful festive treat”
1Doctor Who 2024 Christmas special review: “Ncuti Gatwa is as magnetic as ever in this delightful festive treat”
1
Doctor Who 2024 Christmas special review: “Ncuti Gatwa is as magnetic as ever in this delightful festive treat”
2Secret Level review: “An uneven experience with serious highlights that ultimately make up for the misses”
2Secret Level review: “An uneven experience with serious highlights that ultimately make up for the misses”
2
Secret Level review: “An uneven experience with serious highlights that ultimately make up for the misses”
3Skeleton Crew review: “Perfectly captures the vibes of classic Star Wars with a swashbuckling twist”
3Skeleton Crew review: “Perfectly captures the vibes of classic Star Wars with a swashbuckling twist”
3
Skeleton Crew review: “Perfectly captures the vibes of classic Star Wars with a swashbuckling twist”
4Creature Commandos review: “James Gunn’s heartwarming, R-rated tale about super-monsters proves that the DCU is in good hands”
4Creature Commandos review: “James Gunn’s heartwarming, R-rated tale about super-monsters proves that the DCU is in good hands”
4
Creature Commandos review: “James Gunn’s heartwarming, R-rated tale about super-monsters proves that the DCU is in good hands”
5Cobra Kai season 6, part 2 review: “Returns to the sort of hard-hitting form that made it such a fan favorite in the first place”
5Cobra Kai season 6, part 2 review: “Returns to the sort of hard-hitting form that made it such a fan favorite in the first place”
5
Cobra Kai season 6, part 2 review: “Returns to the sort of hard-hitting form that made it such a fan favorite in the first place”